A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Randomize
