dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drake has all the answers
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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