I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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