i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
