I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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