she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So vagazzling was a success
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize