I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
