She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
