College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
