All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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