I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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