i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
