I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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