She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
