i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Liz is crying about burritos again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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