And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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