My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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