i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
