I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
