My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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