Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
