so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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