I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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