My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
