So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
