we made out on top of his cat.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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