my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
