Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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