thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
