after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sorry my hands just texted you
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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