Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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