SEEEEXXX PLEASE
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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