i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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