I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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