So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
