I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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