my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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