i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
