i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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