I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
