is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Welp...herpes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
