Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
