I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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