my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize