I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
