I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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