Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
