he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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