My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
