why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize