My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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