I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
