fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
