I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
