can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
