I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
