I can text with my tongue
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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