just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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