hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
