My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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